Common Misconceptions About Self-Care
April 17, 2020
Self-care is not only a huge part of my own health and healing, but it is also the cornerstone of my health coaching programs. I’ve found, however, that some clients are often reluctant to prioritize self-care based on several subtle (and not-so-subtle) false stereotypes that have caused hesitation, and sometimes even harsh self-criticism, to those who are trying to improve their well-being.
The Merriam-Webster definition of self-care is “the practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during
periods of stress and imbalance.” It is an activity, or decision, that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional and physical health. The words “self” and “care” do sound lovely together and seemingly make perfect sense. Because most of us are hyper-busy, and therefore hyper-stressed, creating a self-care practice is part and parcel to slowing down the busy-ness in order to shift the mindset from fight/flight to rest and restore.
At the start of the self-care movement several years ago, it was treated more as a wellness practice rooted in Eastern Asian teachings and customs, such as mediation, mantras, herbal teas and other natural remedies. Over time, however, the words “self-care” changed somehow and has become more synonymous with hyaluronic acid face masks, expensive 90-minute stone massages and $5 matcha lattes at the coffee shop. In other words, self-care has become commoditized.
This is why some people hesitate to create and manage their own self-care – in their mind, it’s either too expensive, too time-consuming and therefore, seemingly too self-indulgent.
But I think self-care is much more than face masks and matcha lattes. Yes, treating yourself every once in a while is important, vital in fact, as it can be rewarding to allow yourself the opportunity to indulge. However, I believe the scope of self-care needs to be less cost and commodity-based and much more about the unique needs and struggles of the individual.
Here is what I believe are five things that we often get wrong about self-care and why I work to collectively shift these misconceptions in the minds of my clients:
SELF-CARE IS NOT TYPICALLY ABOUT TREATS OR PAMPERING – ITS USUALLY MORE PRACTICAL THAN THAT. As stated above, it is true that massages and candle-lit bubble baths are often labeled as self-care, but most of the time, self-care is much more practical. For example: Self-care can be something as simple as making sure you go to the dentist, or giving yourself that hourly five-minute break from your desk job so you can stretch and refresh. These are simple things that most people don’t do – don’t realize they’ve not done - and don’t think are important. When you don’t see the simple things as self-care, then you shouldn’t wonder why your body is tired, falling apart and you feel stressed and anxious all the time. The simple truth is the simple things actually matter the most.
SELF-CARE IS NOT ABOUT PUTTING YOUR NEEDS AHEAD OF OTHERS. This is a common misconception that I often hear from clients that are generally related to how they relate to others. It’s when a client wants or needs to set a term or restriction on an activity or a relationship based solely on their needs. (For example, hosting the family holiday celebration and setting a specific time for dinner despite what everybody else wants to do or scheduling a night out with friends on Saturday night instead Friday night because you can’t find a sitter.) People hesitate to set these types of boundaries because they fear they will ultimately be labelled as selfish or difficult. What is important to realize is that sometimes self-care can involve some type of boundary and those people might find it oppressive or inconvenient but that is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s a positive step towards taking care of yourself in a situation that might otherwise feel overwhelming or burdensome.
SELF-CARE IS NOT JUST A LIST OF BEHAVIORS – IT IS OFTEN DEPENDENT ON THE SITUATION. Many every-day decisions are fraught with indifference because we aren’t psychologically flexible enough to be okay with just making the most self-caring choice. An example of this from my own life, I had the “perfect” gift idea for a friend on her birthday. I shopped for days, finding plenty of things that could work but not that one thing I wanted. I wound up not buying anything because I was determined to only get what I saw as “perfect for her” and I wasn’t going to settle until I found it. So, I just kept shopping … and three weeks went by and I was still shopping. In this type of scenario, what would self-care be? Do I keep spending my time looking for the exact perfect gift that I know she’ll love or do I free myself of the nagging “to do” item by making a decision to get something more accessible that is just as likely to satisfy her as it would me. Every situation is different and allowing yourself the mental freedom to decide without the nagging weight of being “right or wrong” or “perfect” is in and of itself self-care. This is the essence of finding balance between your needs and your wants when making decisions.
SELF-CARE IS AS MUCH ABOUT YOUR THINKING AS YOUR BEHAVIOR. This very concept is the specific reason I decided to write about this topic. Self-care is directly related to mindset. Having good self-care skills is fundamentally knowing how to detect when you are ruminating in negativity and perfectionism. It is literally practicing every single day to observe yourself and your thoughts from the witness perspective. The importance of witnessing your self-talk is undeniable because it is directly related to your feelings. Acknowledging that your emotions are part of the universal human experience, not self-indulgent, is the first step in breaking free from self-sabotaging behavior. If you feel guilty for taking care of yourself or your needs in any situation you find yourself in, it’s imperative to ask yourself why, not just feel guilty and then ignore your needs. If you can answer the question with a curious mind and a compassionate intent, you are bound to realize that your needs are important and in the end worth the small discomfort you’ll feel if you confront them.
SELF-CARE IS OFTEN SOCIAL – NOT JUST ABOUT DOING SOLITARY ACTIVITIES. This particular idea speaks directly to the biggest lesson I had to learn in developing my own personal self-care practice. Being an introvert and having self-isolated through childhood trauma, I’ve had to really push myself to regularly seek out social activities that I could attach to and create relationship around. Sometimes the most nurturing thing a person can do for themselves is to seek connection with others in response to stress. Yes, I do treat myself to solitary activities that are self-caring (i.e. a monthly facial and a once-in-awhile solitary trip to the bookstore are a couple of my favorites) but depending on the situation, isolation can often be counter-productive to what is really needed to pamper yourself. What is best to remember, as I reiterated above - it really depends on the situation and the individual.
When I coach clients to practice self-care on a regular basis, these five concepts are often the most challenging for them to face and therefore are the most important for me as a coach to confront. It’s not hard to give yourself a bubble-bath to pamper yourself or buy an expensive face serum that you know will make your skin bright and beautiful when you are feeling tired and stressed … it’s much harder to set boundaries when you need to, to shift historical mindset and behavior patterns that no longer serve you and, for some, to reach out for help or connection when you crave it. All of these practices are essential when creating an individualized and sustainable self-care regime.